How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
