i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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