I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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