I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
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The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
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Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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