Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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