He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
