Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
this is an emotional support booty call
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
