I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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