i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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