i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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