Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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