Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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