I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
