Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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