Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
