I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
