You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Randomize
