yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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