Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
