honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
