Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
