He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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