I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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