in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
