My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
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I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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