I think I won the penis lottery.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
