I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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