Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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