we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
