Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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