I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
