Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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