apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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