Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
