perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
