he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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