College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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