Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Drunk is not a location!
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