I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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