hotel room ftw
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
