Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
