Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Randomize
