Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
