Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
