My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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