Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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