they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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