i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
