i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
