nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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