Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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