Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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