I just threw up on my dentist
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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