can we get nightvision for the apartment?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
